What 3 weeks without Substack or any social media taught me

Lotsss of inner stuff came from my Creativity Colonic, and being worthy without overproducing or proving.

Hello, hello, friends of Substack!

If you saw my most recent post from June 5th, you know that I took a creativity colonic to cleanse all the external—albeit inspirational—voices from my head and heart and give myself the chance to turn inward to my own thoughts, desires, and intentions.

All the summer things

This is supposed to be the post where I tell you how all the answers to life’s myriad questions came to me like keys clicking into place in a lock’s intricate chamber. This is where I’m supposed to have it all figured out.

Womp womp. Big surprise — I have more questions than ever!

Existential questions.

Everyday questions.

Meaning-of-this-one-wild-and-precious-life questions.

On one hand, I sought things out that I’d been looking for clarity on, like my professional path and my relationship to control and perfectionism.

On the other hand, some answers to questions I didn’t even know I had just…popped right up, like the plethora of cute little baby bunnies scampering around lately on my morning walks.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with a path forward, I’d recommend it. The Creativity Colonic, Rx. You heard it here first!

All my life, I’ve equated effort with outcome.

The input equals the output, right? To the point of burnout, unnecessary stress, fretting, and putting quite a bit of pressure on myself—I’ve led an effortful life because I believed it would “pay off in the end”.

When we have this mindset—believing we can determine our outcome via our performance—it becomes a perfect cocktail for controlling perfectionism. I’m self aware enough to recognize that there’ve been many instances and dynamics in my life where I’ve mistaken control for safety. I don’t want to do that anymore.

Because when someone with this relationship to control gets the opportunity to play in a sandbox, the sandbox often looks very nice - orderly, well thought-out, consistent. But it often lacks heart. Lacks the vibration of love & care. Feels shitty. And its caretaker is usually covered in mud, frantic, overworking to try and keep everything pristine. Substack had been that sandbox for me. All effort, all perception, almost all within the lens of how my creativity would perform.

But I don’t want to create from my heart and soul, earnestly and well-intentioned, thinking first about how it will be received or whether anyone would pay me money for it.

Thankfully, I’m returning with an entirely different perspective. I’ve been super inspired by To Be Magnetic’s mid-year Authenticity Challenge, with the core purpose of developing “f*ck it” energy. I’ll write plenty about my experience with the challenge in the coming weeks!

I reframed the women I subscribe to as people first, creators/writers second.

When I had distance from the steady stream of posts and Notes the women I subscribe to publish, I had the chance to think about them through the lens of their own lives and ambitions and desires and personalities.

I enjoyed that relationship far more than first and foremost thinking about how I can learn from what they’re doing in order to emulate them and one day have what they have. In getting distance from their work, I had the chance to appreciate them.

For me, there’s a thin line between restful downtime and toxic laziness.

Writing, reading, and forming connections consistently on Substack gave my days structure and routine. I was truly spending 2-4 hours almost every day on this platform. With that time then free, I

• Started up my Duolingo subscription again

• Read five books in full and started two others

• Began TBM’s mid-year challenge

• Gave myself permission to be lazy

Laziness doesn’t have to be a bad thing. When you do it in high self worth and are present with it, allowing it to be whatever it needs to be to charge your batteries, it can be really valuable in helping you get back to a place of feeling amazing.

But in my case—and I know myself well enough that this didn’t come as a big surprise—the lack of structure in my day-to-day brought me to a not-great-place and mental state.

I started deeply questioning the meaning of life and the meaning of fulfillment and purpose, but in kind of a melancholy or doomsday “what’s the point” way. Not a great feeling. Not a great perspective to be living in.

Whereas when I’m tinkering, even superficially, with some personal project or far-off dream, I still do come at these questions. But when it happens then, I come at them with a far more optimistic and excited POV that gets me excited and hopeful, rather than depleted and downtrodden.

No matter what I choose to do or not do in this life, I am worthy and deserving. Period.

Something that’s at the heart of To Be Magnetic and various spiritual leaders whose teachings I’ve engaged with is how each and every one of us is entirely worthy and deserving. Full stop.

I am worthy because I exist.

I am worthy because I was made in God’s image.

I am worthy because trillions upon trillions of stars, planets, atoms and molecules came together and conspired to bring me here into existence.

I do not have to prove my worth. I do not have to perform or earn to be whole and complete. I do not have to believe that my life will be complete once I *fill in your own blank*.

The opening Deep Imagining in this season’s TBM challenge stopped me in my tracks, where it stated:

Nothing in nature performs for its worth. It just allows itself to be witnessed, by the sun, by the sky, by you, simply because it exists. When you can take in and appreciate the natural radiance of the world around you, you can start to make space to notice your own radiance and inner light as well, just because you exist.

THIS. THIS!!!!!!!

I swear I take an unconscious exhale just reading it.

And I get emotional thinking about how I am fully worthy of anything, without having to perform. To earn. To justify. Just because I exist.

Looking back, I promised myself that 2026 would be my highest self-worth year yet. I had fits and spurts of it, but now I feel like I’m through the woods and on a good vibrational alignment where I’m treating myself in the short term—joyful pastries, reruns on AppleTV, expensive facials at my local wellness barn—but balancing it with discipline that will serve me very well in the long term—regular workouts, bountiful whole food meals, and getting back into the swing of things on Substack.

There is no right way to live life.

There is no right way to pursue passion.

There is no right way to create the most gorgeous, sparkling, thrilling reality & life of your dreams.

Maybe I’m being too easy on myself. Maybe I should be doing more. Maybe I am leaving untapped potential on the table right now, in this season of life. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I started reading Rick Rubin’s book, The Creative Act, during my time away, and one of the first sections blew me away. He wrote, “Your entire life is a form of self-expression. You exist as a creative being in a creative universe. A singular work of art.”

So, one way or another, let’s. make. art.

What to expect now from Cosmic Crumbs

I’ve spent my entire journey on Substack trying to define my “content pillars”.

I’m done. For now at least. I’m going to write about whatever lives rent-free in my thoughts & heart, whatever I’m screaming from the rooftops, whatever I am utterly lit up by.

And if that makes it more difficult for me to grow my subscribership or start making reliable side income from my writing, I’m more than okay with it.

I turned on paid subscriptions!

That being said, if you’ve resonated with my writing & perspectives thus far and you feel called to support, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Soon enough, I’ll play with the balance of putting certain elements behind the paywall for a more intimate community, hosting monthly challenges, and more.

I’m pretty amazed—and freaking proud!—of what a non-event it actually was to switch that toggle on.

And regardless, I truly hope if you’re reading this, my work has made you feel inspired, feel seen, or given you some slice of permission you’ve been waiting for to live out your best, brightest, most authentic life.